This morning (and many mornings since Christmas) I've been snuggling up to Bruce. Warm and inviting, he is not shy with sharing his life with me, stories of his past, struggles, joys and cries of injustice. He is intimate, but holds back just enough that I want to know more, and feel deeply as he does for those he loves and to those who have lost greatly. If you're wondering if I've changed partners lately, no, Steve and I are still deeply involved as husband and wife and snuggle regularly to prove it. I'm talking about Bruce Cockburn's new memoir, "Rumours of Glory" which I received as a Christmas gift from Steve. It seems to have come at a crucial time, as I have been struggling with a spiritual "rummage sale" for about a year now, what goes? What stays? What is my bottom line in life? Questions of addictions, grace, ugliness, waste, violence, loneliness...in me and in my friends, and those I work with. Early morning panic, as I head out the door for another round of bed bug work, hoarding issues and those behind on rent and those who are about to get the boot for fighting another tenant. Will it be alright today, will I be alright? Can I take one more day of questions, with no answers? It eats away at me, at my faith, at all I have believed since I was a little church girl.
Opening the pages of his final chapters this morning, I can see that he has taken all this experience, angst, travel and poetry put into music and summarized a life that feels a little bit like mine. More mystery then answers, more finding light to faze out the darkness, the healing of holding a loving hand then letting the acid of shaking hands with the devil eat our skin away....he says:
"People who maintain a relationship with the Divine - no matter the religion or sect or specified belief system- will bear a special burden. It's the burden of healing that is needed after our poor stewardship of this blessed earth and of each other. Between the dogmatism of fear based fundamentalism and the Battlestar Galactica new-aginess of Hollywood, down there in the cracks, there is room, there is a necessity, for the sharing of real, personal and experiential knowledge of God-of love. That is our mission should we choose to accept it: to get that experience, to be fueled by that love, and to go forth and share whatever insights and inspiration we may have gained, while simultaneously supporting our communities and families in all ways feasible. We don't need to worry about making converts. If we go out there shining with the light of God and brimming with love, it will be noticed. A door will be opened for the spirit to walk through."
There is room, there is a necessity....down there in the cracks. I am still mucking about in the cracks, my cry for relief and healing for the deep pain I discover there, hopefully is making it up to the Divine. I know one thing, it is changing me down to the core, and I wait in the darkness for the answer of love to trickle into my deep place and onto our dry and dusty planet.
